Child free by choice

The journey of a woman or couple opting to not have children is not easy. You will have to answer many questions and often face judgement from complete strangers on how you should be using your body and living your life. But if you make this choice I want you to know you are not alone.

My husband and I knew we didn't want kids before we got married. Every couple needs to have an honest discussion about what each partner wants in regards to children because those feelings are not just going to magically change one day. It's not fair to assume that your partner wants the same as you. And it's definitely not fair to assume their minds will change.

Our choice to have children was not because we couldn't have children but because neither of us ever had a longing to have kids. This was not a choice I took lightly. I worried about it a lot. I felt that there was something wrong with me for a long time.

I went to a private Lutheran school and while no one overtly said, "Ashley, your job on this earth is to be a mother", it was just understood that that was my role. It wasn't just my church and school, society as a whole seems to have that unsaid future laid out for each woman. I felt a deep guilt that I was somehow letting God down. And it seemed that everyone around me wanted kids. Why didn't I want them?

I wish someone would have reached out and told me "You are not weird for not wanting kids!!" Because you are not weird or wrong for not wanting a child. You are perfectly, 100% normal for knowing what you do and do not want.

What definitely did NOT help was the comments from loved ones and strangers alike:

You will change your mind when you get older!

You have no idea what you will be missing out on!

Who will take care of you when you get older?

Not even just one?

Children make a family.

Won't your parents want grandchildren?

My OBGYN wouldn't even listen to my concerns. When asked about more permanent or long-term birth control options other than the pill I was told me to wait because I was too young. The last time I asked I was almost 30.

Despite all of the noise and unsolicited advice, I knew deep down that it wasn't right for me or my husband. And just because society or other people told me it was the "right" or "normal" thing to do didn't mean I had to do.

Having a child is an immense commitment and should never, ever be taken lightly. The worst thing I could do for my husband and our marriage (and our child) would be to have a kid just because it is "what you do".

We had many reasons for not having a child:

• We didn't feel a desire to have one.

• We were not financially comfortable to have a child.

• The world is already overpopulated.

• There are so many children without a family we can adopt if we change our minds and give a deserving child a loving home.

• We are destroying our environment and we didn't want to bring a child into this world to deal with the issues my and my parent's generation created.

• My career was very important to me.

Because we don't have kids we have the time, energy and money to spoil our niece and nephews and to donate our time to our church and other charities

Women and men without children are a group of people who can bring a lot to the world. We are an untapped tribe. We are a force that can show up at the last minute when needed, who can go all in with organizations and causes we believe in, we can pour into and nurture those in our community.

What it comes down to is that it's my choice. It's our choice as a couple. Just because I can have a baby doesn't mean I should. A family without kids is still a family.